But where I was from, the vast majority of the people in the regionhundreds of thousands, not just a handfulaccepted these beliefs as reasonable. Thanks. Congratulations, his friends are ALSO sexist and manipulative. You could walk up to the bar to order a drink and tell that person you need some assistance and they are on it in seconds. And the Flamingo is fun because its what I imagine the trashy, gaudy old Vegas was like so when Im there I pretend Im like a mobsters wife or something. Note: After I wrote this answer, I received more details about the letter-writer about exactly what her husbands objections are. Yeah, I was hoping the OPs business trip wasnt over this weekend , This post was one of my first thoughts when I heard about the shooting . Last I time I checked 2017 hadnt fully turned into The Handmaids Tale and women were allowed to travel for work without permission from their husband. Counseling is the best and most realistic option for helping him get into a healthy head space. .Im pretty sure my m-in-l would do that. Inviting him to go might be a stop-gap measure to cover this trip. The second I walked in the front door I thought this is exactly the type of place where the murder of the week happens in almost every episode. She is bottle fed and was at that time, too, so if your LO is EBF, I'd say add more time. Send a good morning text, a been busy all day, just breaking for lunch text, and a goodnight call each day. I live in a small country area where most woman are not in my position & usually give in to husbands demands whether or not it is ethical.Counsling is usually never seeked out. My dad goes around the world: Spain, Taiwan, Japan and he spends it all on a commercial ship fixing the radar, sonar, ormcomputer. We both very quickly realized its quite safe, and a really interesting place to be, in a good sense. Also by facing the problem together wife will know what steps he need she to do to get better on this/call him out if he isnt doing it. Go on the trip. You cant change his feelings and reactions, you can only control your own. Theyre both really worst-case-scenarios and things that happen *to* the OP. I really dont like the taste of alcohol. My co-worker (who doesnt drink or gamble) went with their spouse a few months ago for a work conference. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationmobile homes for rent in patterson, la. It reminds me of what my parents always said to stop me doing things. or is it not? And insanely good airline availability and inexpensive flights. Yes, this could actually be what he really is freaking out about, in my experience. let has no part of a marriage unless it deeply affects the partner and then people need to work on it together. I am late to this thread but Working Wife, I want you to know that I was in a similar situation when I first married my husband he was excessively concerned with stuff like this, with the subtext that he was afraid I would cheat. Im certain he is imagining some lawless back alley den of sin. Thank you for acknowledging that this is not normal and is something you can work on. Only time we have really argued is this stupid Vegas trip which isnt mandatory. I went to Vegas for several scientific conferences back in the day, and I thought it was a weird idea until the first time I actually went. Would he partake in an support of psychological therapy and consoling? Ive felt less safe in a couple of places in my own city. If you ever felt something was wrong you can tell a bartender, a waiter, a cop, that you need some help. If a person hasnt had much of a chance (or desire) to go to different places, your impression of them is far different than the reality. This is CONTROLLING and MANIPULATIVE behaviour. Go on the business trip, set and hold firm limits with him (i.e., if you want to call him at 9 each night, great, but thats it. There are also lots of cool little museums as well. I won money on a work trip to Vegas - do I have to donate it to my employer? And Id add that theres a difference between (unwarranted) demands rooted in irrational fears, and those rooted in control/trust issues. I certainly didnt want to give that impression! I did manage to save the relaionship (even though Mothers anxiety never went away; be prepared for that too) I truly hope that you can save your relationship with your spose, OP. Theres a third option: Insist on marriage counseling with your husband. Why? Usluge graevinskih radova niskogradnje. The whole letting her go thing could be controlling or abusive, but it could also refer less to physical ability to go there and more not letting her go in peace, or without a bunch of needy whining adult tantrums. As to the question of WHY businesses have meetings in Las Vegas, its because the hospitality industry there gets it. Either his friends are also super controlling and/or prone to irrational fears or he totally fabricated the story about asking if other people would let their wives go to Las Vegas for work. Hah. Embarrassing Family Photos Make It Hard To Look Away He chose, and I repeat chose this lifestyle. Ha, my team at Exjob traveled all the time (consultants) and they said the only thing good about it was the FF miles and points. Collect them from travel agents and show it to your husband, wife or partner. Indifference. This is NOT putting a judgement on those activities, but all of them can and do carry a pretty significant risk load (money spent, possible diseases, lost time, etc) and thats why in general, society rates them as vices. Youll be so exhausted from your meetings all youll want to do is get dinner and go to sleep! :-). We live in an at-will dating society, where either party can end the relationship at any time, with or without cause and with or without notice. Its so odd that he seems so fixated on Vegas (which can be perfectly harmless, I went there many times as a small child and turned out just fine). OMG, but the burgers there are sooo good! And LWs husband doesnt get to veto business trips, either. It has beautiful trails just minutes outside the city. Milkshakes there are ON POINT. Answer (1 of 74): I can explain this with a story, which is below, but basically - you can't change someone else. And yeah, they probably need some counseling, and people often start off with Marriage counseling before moving on to individual counseling *on advice of their counselor*! I certainly didnt forget that, in case anybodys wondering. It may not be, in this case. Meaning they side with the wife on this one. Whats wrong with disembark? Originally Published: Dec. 27, 2015. If I went home today and told my husband, My work is sending me on a business trip to Las Vegas in 3 months, this would be his response: Wow, honey, thats great! Thats exactly what Im doing right now too and it will be so much better when I dont have to justify the work trip to my husband and I dont have to pander to his unfounded insecurities. There are some cultures where marriage is really about the blending of two families. And in small towns all over America people are being shot in churches, schools, shopping malls etc. There are several important issues to consider, however, when deciding if your husband should go on vacation with you. And perversely its a lot SAFER than other big cities, because there are eyes everywhere, all the time. Its not some ridiculous naked sex drug party.. See some shows, enjoy some good food, go on a nice hike. What other people? Yeah theres a mosque and an Islamic centre, but Ive been into both for visit my mosque day and the imam was happy to talk to me (a white non-religious woman) and everyone was very nice and gave us snacks, so yeah. Vegas strip is basically just that a massive neon strip mall with lots of people. There are tons of families and people who live in Vegas or visit Vegas and do pretty normal things. Las Vegas is not my favorite place ever because I dont love big crowds or gambling, but its just a city. I hope you go to Vegas and find love with someone who doesnt treat you like property. I see wholesome as suitable for minors and conservative folks, so yeah, sex work isnt that. My husband has cheerfully seen me off to conferences in Vegas, Austin, Reno, San Diego, Milwaukee, and other cities. For another, unless the husband is a lot more clever than it seems from the letter and follow ups, a good counselor would be useful to the OP, even if it is abuse. He gets anxiety about it, but he doesnt try to stop me from going he knows it is part of my job. But honestly? Whenever we visit, we have to stay in their house, which is dirty and only has one working bathroom. If youre not going during SXSW or Austin City Limits, you can get hotel rooms consistently for less than $200 in Austin. 8 1 11 1. If the OP is part of running the conference/event, yep, theyll be lucky to find the time for 8 hours sleep each night. Id also check out books such as When Panic Attacks and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living Life. That said, Id say go on the trip, because I dont think you should pander to his lack of trust in you. She then decided to keep the baby's gender a secret until it was born. There are broadly different American subcultures because there are just so many people. Japan is absurdly safe, even if that is no comfort to people when something bad does happen. The duration of the vacation. Wow, that is some really scummy manipulation. In summer it doesnt really get properly dark at all, and not until after midnight. Alison doesnt usually change letter writers words, so I think itll probably stand as is. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. I have developed similar coping strategies and work very hard not to allow my brains bad wiring to negatively affect those that I love. If you feel a message or content violates these standards and would like to request its removal please submit the following information and our moderating team will respond shortly. I wanted to get tickets for a show, but it was sold out. Honestly, I just wasnt used to having someone worry about me. He is obviously in distress, and rational or not, that is a bigger problem than just whether OP should go on her business trip. THIS. Youre not choosing your career over your marriage when you take three days to sit in a conference hall, for chrissake. The big issue is that hes being controlling and jealous in a really misogynist way, so Im not actually all that concerned with or sympathetic about notional anxiety issues at this point. As someone in the convention industry, Vegas puts a LOT of effort into being a top convention destination (low cost, lots of large all-in-one spaces, lots of options for event entertainment), and pretty much every industry will have events that rotate through there. Youre in a room all day, you still have to get up and WORK the next morning I go to one every year, and my butt is in bed at 10pm. Im really not interested in goingI dont gamble, I dont care for tourist attractions, etc. This is always my response to people and they always get mad at me for saying it. And to his credit, he cut it out. Can you cut it out, or find someone else to talk to about your worry?. But the effect of his behavior on her is a them issue. Its often fine to bring spouses on work trips, but I definitely think she shouldnt bring him in this situation. Ive gone to Vegas for work and my husband just told me to have a good time and made jokes about what kind of stuff I might get up to while I was there because we knew Id mostly be bored and cranky with the work situation. So theyre officially still working there. If it's something you really want to do, then I'm sure you can make it work, but it won't be easy. I like backpacking/camping and my husband does not (at least, not for extended periods of time). I had an ex tell me, just after I left him, that hed checked with his friends and they all agreed with him that I was behaving irrationally and crazily about everything I was upset about and had said was wrong with the relationship. We stay at mid-level resorts and usually pay about $40 a night. Even if it is a general anxiety issue, speaking as someone with plenty of personal experience with that, theres still a relationship issue here. Worrying about cheating, sex, drugs, and rock n roll, is worrying about what I will do. As someone who also suffers from anxiety and irrational fears about my partners safety, this is such a kind response and vivid description of how (otherwise) reasonable people can become unreasonable. What do you think?. If my wife was going off just to gamble and get wasted with other dudes Id be against that too., I highly doubt he posed it as My wifes company keeps taking business trips to Las Vegas. Statistically, the most dangerous part of this trip is the car drive to the airport. Any evening events they go to are as likely as not to just be parties. No matter how cool your parents are, money always comes with obligations. The big difference is that OPs husband cant keep an eye on her when shes in Vegas. Youre obviously free to disagree, but I think its archaic and not okay. It will also be a lot easier with a hotel stop overnight; we did not do this, but it still wasn't difficult. Is he jealous he cant go with you? But yeah, I would go to a counselor rather than skipping straight to a lawyer unless there are more flagrant issues. At least, not something like this, which is a very normal part of having a job. If your classes are in the evening then change your major. mmmmmmm..yeah. Anywhere in the USA or abroad. I got friend walks with doggo once a week to give myself what I needed while respecting that my husband didn't " I don't want to travel the world with you to film weddings and turn ever work trip . Roppongi it is! I worry about things constantly. Things to consider!! I dont have anything else to add to what everyone else has said except that when youre there, I HIGHLY recommend going to Gordon Ramsays BURGR at the Planet Hollywood Hotel. I thought his friends were objecting to his stance and would even let their spouses go. And do not to the best of your ability get wrapped up or play into his anxieties, or irrational fears. Sogoahead and book that trip, and then make sure you spend asmuch time relaxing aspossible before your departure. Thats what I was thinking. Yes, this. And I really dont want to camp with a bunch of guys drinking beer, poking the fire and talking about cars (or whatever it is they talk about). Were in counseling together though, which is one of the reasons hes gotten better. This is part of your JOB. Husband and I live three hours away from Vegas. My answer to the two questions asked in the original post are: No, you wouldn't be a terrible husband to go on a trip with a group without her. I dont even like Vegas and end up there twice a year because its such a common conference location because of the affordability. Thats where domestic abuse resources and charts come in. Everybody is in agreement! To expand a little bit on what Anita and others above have posited: Regardless of whether this is solely an artifact of having absorbed toxic masculinity, or an anxiety/perseverative/compulsive thoughts issue, or some combination thereof, my experience has been that successful treatment of such issues will likely involve at least some behavior change on the part of the OP, and the OP stands to gain a lot of helpful personal skills by being an active participant (as appropriate) in whatever mix of interpersonal, couples, or cognitive behavioral therapy that they find. If I ask him he will clarify but I trust him and dont need to worry. And yeah, if one doesnt leave the primary resort where the conference is, almost zero worry of bad experiences/people. They just find more things to get worried about. My husband has been in counseling and on medication for his mental health. Its crazy how often this happens. Im not even sure how I would react to that. Trotting out the results of a bogus survey is classic manipulation, in many sectors. My mother is like this about my neighborhood because Im miles away from Philadelphia. You (both individually and as a family) need your income. Forget $200, I once needed to add a night to my reservation at the Rio last minute.it was $20. (I do apologize that my intention to be helpful wasnt completely clear). I havent missed a day other than scheduled vacation. But we had conversations where we discussed what I was doing to stay safe, and we had agreed upon methods of checking in (calling / texting at certain reasonable times, for example). Same with mine. I think that theres value in saying, this could be going on, and it might be something to watch out for, but definitive statements that range far, far beyond whats in the letter are really problematic, both because they can end up being irrelevant and because they can make the OP dismiss the rest of the input being offered, because the read on that particular aspect the situation is incorrect. He was jealous and controlling before we got engaged. My husband still asks sometimes if hes allowed to go do things, like go to the pub with his friends without me, and it irks me because even though I know hes joking I dont like that he even pretends that I am a stereotypical ball and chain. Find an new therapist to go alone so you can undo all the damage that marriage counseling with a controlling spouse has done. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. (Is he really afraid you will be kidnapped or is he being hyperbolic to try to convince you to stay?). Husband may be dealing with separation anxiety, and instead of communicating that, is using Las Vegas I know that many conferences are held there, and wouldnt bat an eye at my fiancee going there without me. We saw a fun show with impersonators of Sinatra, Dean Martin, Cher, etc and fun dancers. Nah this isnt about irrational fears on his part, its about control. And as Alison so deftly explained it, the rest is all a matter of trust within the marriage. either. In addition to bolstering his position in our argument it had the nice (for him) side effect of alienating me from all of my friends who I believed were talking crap about me behind my back. Obviously you were in horrific fiery car crash. This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you won't complain: "My husband never wants to do anything with me.". Abusers often (successfully!) Yes, he needs to settle down, and no, Im not suggesting she sacrifice her career because he is stressed, but it really is BOTH their problem. Its better than it has been at times, but it never quite goes away. :), That reminds me of this Captain Awkward letter: https://captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/, Were now in a position where he thinks Ive made a mistake with the breakup, and that I did not adequately justify my reasons for ending it.. Or I can save you the time and point out that I characterized him as jealous and controlling, and never used the word yall seem determined to stick in my mouth. I read it as him being anxious and unreasonable. It was a hard thing to learn (Look, Mom, its so simple, just literally never leave the house and Ill never be anxious! sounds SO rational in your head when youre facing lots of catastrophic thoughts!) Id say the chances are > 50% that this guy never asked anyone anything. I hope they can find a solution. It may not necessarily be abusive, but it is controlling it doesnt get a pass just because other people would do it. You dont deserve to be treated that way. And at the end of the day, it doesnt matter because every time, its about something that doesnt really have a right or wrong answer. And we have no way of knowing, so a lot of people are going the when this happened to me it was X, so thats whats happening here.. However, its crucial that he recognizes his behavior as a problem and is committed to fixing it. Plenty to do in Vegas besides gambling and shows! Because reallyif the intent is there, a spouse can cheat anywhere. This absolutely doesnt make the response of OPs husband right in any sense, but figuring out why they are feeling like this can be helpful and can help figure out where to go from there. But instead of abuse and control and severely anxious the LW might be part of a cultural/ethnic subgroup where her role as breadwinner (and one that is doing well) that is a woman who is making more than husband is not the norm in her community and there is all sorts of talking/gossiping/pressure in the background at play. Iam lost. Both are filled with similar anecdotes and stories. Thank you for sharing this. You don't have to fake excitement about every little . While she comes back with great stories of what she saw people doing, shes never felt in danger or anything like that. The best way to stay up-to-date would be to regularly check the Official Disney Parks Blog . I think this is my problem with some of the suggestions that OP should bring her husband on the trip. Maybe hes wrapping that insecurity in fears of what might happen so he doesnt have to address the real issue. Whatever the cause, a therapist will best equipped to help. One ofour Bright Side readers sentus ane-mail pouring her heart out about atricky situation shes going through. Especially with comments like, I have anxiety and I would never act like this! Not everyones anxiety is the same. Sorry not sorry. But my wife really worded it in a way to get the Im a crazy jealous husband. Yeah, I read it as they object and they wouldnt let them go.. (Im in counseling FWIW, he wont go.) of course im very careful around others who drink and make it a point to be responsible and not get carried away, kwim? Theres no life insurance policy in the world that would substitute for my husbands continued presence in my life and on this planet. I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired. I think the phrasing is awkward, but its in there because he brought this up to his spouse to justify his position, so Im pretty sure he means they all agreed that theyd object to such a trip too. I have one. Hell figure something out; youll figure something out. Im just going to share my experience if it doesnt fit, let it roll off your back. This is not a normal or healthy response from a spouse, and it needs to change. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. And people are all I wouldnt let my wife go we have done bigger problems here. Setting up for a convention and working it and then the take down. Certainly the OP needs to be careful with couselors. We hike through Red Rock Canyon or the Valley of Fire. Honestly, it feels awful. My *70 year-old* cousins house. He is asking the wrong people. Which is actually one of the reasons why I think this is not just a control issue. Iasked ifI could come. Thats worrying about what other people will do TO me. or even where to eat dinner. Ive done that before too, and it was invaluable in setting healthy boundaries in a sane, functional manner.