Its not a gong. She was so ugly she could trick or treat over the telephone. Honey, whats for supper?. Its from Uncle Ben. I've seen monkey shit-fights at the zoo more organized than this. Why did I have to learn what a rhombus is? Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? Thanks for the compliment [Read: 20 Smart medieval insults in English that should make a comeback], 48. You know, this is my first operation. Professor of Logic Merch: https://www.redbubble.com/people/robtzn/shop?asc=uFollow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sparkleforesst There they taught me how to be neutral. Thats exactly the effect you want to have! Theseclever jokescould make anyone sound smart! When I was five years old, I looked down at the crayons I was colouring with and sighed: When I was two, this was not what I saw myself doing at five. Having trouble crafting the perfect message for a birthday card? Submitted by Eric Lyden, I went to the butchers the other day and bet him $50 that he couldnt reach the meat on the top shelf. Why would you post that sign? Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.Submitted by L.B. Monica Hesse, writer, A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! Its easy, replies the ranger. After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says its going to be a hit. She seemed surprised. Are you at peace with God?, Larry replies, God and I are tight. Thanks for dating someone ugly after we broke up., 17. The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. The day shes discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. ._2a172ppKObqWfRHr8eWBKV{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:8px}._39-woRduNuowN7G4JTW4I8{margin-top:12px}._136QdRzXkGKNtSQ-h1fUru{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:8px 0;width:100%}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_{font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_,._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{margin-left:auto}._1-25VxiIsZFVU88qFh-T8p{padding:0}._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor)} I started a couple of weeks ago. Really? I said. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?, 18. Im going back to living my fabulous life before you interrupted it to remind me that there are still assholes in this world., 20. All it was doing was gathering dust. @dadsaysjokes. Think about it, the professor answered. She then reassured him by adding, Now, if you do everything Ive told you, you wont be with us for long.. Friend making bad life choices? Late one evening, Norms doorbell rang. Submitted by Franklin P. Jones, One day my two children, 17-year-old Matt and 11-year-old Mitch, were having an argument. Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock. My Uncle G: Youre going to pay $500 to jump out of a perfectly good plane? You could read it as "seriously" or as "a joke didn't walk into the . That night I went to a church meeting and the speaker told us about his humanitarian work. You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. But hay its in my jeans. Doctor: Oh, we are in this together. What did the left eye say to the right eye? On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious. When he answers the door shes standing there in a slinky black dress. Are they afraid someone will clean them? George Carlin, My sunglasses are prescription so if theyre stolen, it becomes two people who cant see. @kimtopher22, What happens when you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN? That evening, he decides to go out. I steal food from humans. Lets explore the role of humor in an intimate relationship. 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes I find it helpful to look at a distinction I use all the time in my clinical work and teaching: intent versus impact. Good players are hard to find. Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. What did the baby corn say to its mom? I dont wish the best for you, nor do I want to find someone like you. I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m. Submitted by Denise Stewart. But it was me first day with the hook.. Everyone loves a smartass, whether they want to admit it or not. Ive decided to sell my Hoover it was just collecting dust. The blacksmith instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, Ill lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.. So, as you can see, I said, Im doing a lot more than inflating at my desk. I got the raise. ", "Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? The odds that I got mugged twice last year because I look like the kind of guy that would calculate those odds? Well, he really gets a kick out of it. After a few minutes, the bird yells, Wheres my scotch? The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Liked what you just read? A: Copies. Submitted by Janet Winkler, A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. Pressed for time? The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. It's my first time too. You wont believe these crazy (but true) drive thru worker stories. Ive used too much! Submitted by Andrew Bird, I was mugged twice last year. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. Its torturous. This moment of friction gifts you access into your partners interior, their map of pain points and insecurities, as well as insights into your own patterns and beliefs. Thesehilarious school storiesare guaranteed to give you a laugh. [Read: How to be witty 25 ways to win everyone over with your charm]. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora. Peterson, she begins, would you say youre honest? Honest? replies the lawyer. The doctor says, Larry, everything looks great. When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. You could break a ball bearing with a rubber mallet. Dont you want to play with any of the toys?, Yes, the little boy bawled, but if I did Id only break them.. Soccer is one of the most played sports in America. I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because Im still looking for ideas., 8. So she brought me in the next day, took me to the manager and said, Okay, here you go!Submitted by Andy Fielding, I was skyping with my three-year-old grandson when he suddenly announced, You can come out of the computer now, Grandma! Submitted by June Pearson, I was driving my three-year-old granddaughter, Nevaeh, to daycare one morning after a heavy snowfall. A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. Nature is beautiful and so am I. Theres just one condition. Smartass quotes. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. So whats the most effective way to get out your frustrations while still coming off like the lovable stud/studette that you are? He needed a little space. Conjunctivitis.com thats a site for sore eyes. Tim Vine. I nixed that one in favour of a low-tech model. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling Submitted by Isaac Sargent, I was staying in a hotel where the towels were so thick that I could hardly close my suitcase. It doesnt have to be Pi Day (March 14) to bring out thesefunny math jokes! Spell elephant,' the older one said. Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. These hilarious jokes about marriagewill crack you up. However, if you can do the raised eyebrow look, it will add a dose of irony and really? to your quote. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, Hey, you jerk! My Grandmother's favorite saying was actually a song. All Im saying is, if you caught me, then you were speeding too., 44. Did You Know Anxiety Can Enhance Our Relationships? A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and cola.". 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life Via Getty Images/Michael Heim / EyeEm. She looks great! He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. As they hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.Anonymous. Lord, he prays. He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed, You must have had a lot of husbands! Submitted by Esther Dawson, Me: I brought some books for us to read. 'Submitted by John Langley. Reddit.com. Got anything less expensive?Submitted by Rosemary Covert, Snake 1: Are we poisonous? Father asks him, So, you were at school today, right? Son: Yeah. Detector: Beep. Son: OK, OK, I was at the movies. Detector: Beep. Son: Alright, I went for a beer with my friends. Father: What?! Well well wellif it isnt autocorrect. The bouncer says, You cant come in here with a dog., He replies, Im blind and this is my seeing-eye dog., The bouncer responds, You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?, The second guy exclaims, They gave me a Chihuahua?, I come from a stupid family. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon. Try giving them one of these funny compliments! But they were fully booked. Two weeks after I had photos taken of my baby, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a colour monitor. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. Dont miss these physics jokes that every science nerd will love. ", "Studies show that women who carry extra weight live longer than men who bring it up.". I took that as my cue to outline my expanded role, and listed my actions and achievements. Weeks? So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. You call me a bitch. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larrys wife. A football coach. Toughest job I ever had? Especially if youve got hay fever. Milton Jones. I said to her, Everything is so so white Grandma doesnt even know where the road is. She innocently replied, Grandma, its under the snow. Submitted by Bonnie Gronning, There is a lot of competition for parking at the local dental office, hence the sign: Dental office parking only. Doctor: Im sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: What do you mean, 10? Thanks! So how do we know if theyre grizzly bear droppings? asks one of the ramblers. Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel. Son, what do IDK, LY and TTYL mean? He texts back, I dont know, love you and talk to you later. The mom replies, Its OK, dont worry about it. I was involved in very organised crime. Milton Jones, I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper dicing with death. Tim Vine. ._1x9diBHPBP-hL1JiwUwJ5J{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:#ff585b;padding-left:3px;padding-right:24px}._2B0OHMLKb9TXNdd9g5Ere-,._1xKxnscCn2PjBiXhorZef4{height:16px;padding-right:4px;vertical-align:top}.icon._1LLqoNXrOsaIkMtOuTBmO5{height:20px;vertical-align:middle;padding-right:8px}.QB2Yrr8uihZVRhvwrKuMS{height:18px;padding-right:8px;vertical-align:top}._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._1LLqoNXrOsaIkMtOuTBmO5,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._2B0OHMLKb9TXNdd9g5Ere-,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._1xKxnscCn2PjBiXhorZef4,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 .QB2Yrr8uihZVRhvwrKuMS{fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)} This is your great-grandma and great grandpa, I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. 134 Likes, 22 Comments - Aidan (@diazaidanw) on Instagram: "From killer hoco proposal, to killer hoco outfits . 100 of Homer Simpsons greatest quotes Im not allowed on the couch., Two salespeople approached me at the furniture store. They got six months each. Alex Del Bene. I kill their plants and I love mischief. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee. I know, says the second dog owner. Pack your stuff, they're waiting. In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. Ill tell you whatnever again. One day, I was brushing my teeth in the restroom before a flight when a woman walked in. Tomac. He fought with me again! These hilarious golf jokes are better than a hole in one. Every so often, the good people of the Ask Reddit community get together and reveal their favorite short joke. It also helps you to face the world together as a team. Ive been so upset, Ive lost 20 pounds. If its that bad, why dont you just leave him? asks the other friend. | I was always told it was piss in the boot. 15. That water is yucky!, He replied, Well, it tasted good yesterday. Tammy McKenzie, High River, Alberta, While cleaning out the garage, I found an old protest sign that read, DISARM TODAY! On the other side, it said, DAT ARM TOMORROW.Submitted by Jim Vandermaas, You know, people dont usually compliment me on my driving, so I was very pleased this morning when I saw a note on my car that said, Parking fine. That was very nice of them! Looking at my face is like reading in the car. Dont miss these funny tweets every parent can relate to. Dont go down that road. 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners ", "I don't know, but the flag's a big plus. The point of being sarcastic is that its cool and effortless. Were giving you the best smartass quotes for life, breakups, comebacks, and general advice to live by. @keyframes ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5{0%{transform:rotate(0deg)}to{transform:rotate(1turn)}}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq{--sizePx:0;font-size:4px;position:relative;text-indent:-9999em;border-radius:50%;border:4px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyTextAlpha20);border-left-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);transform:translateZ(0);animation:ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5 1.1s linear infinite}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq,._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{width:var(--sizePx);height:var(--sizePx)}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{border-radius:50%}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq._2qr28EeyPvBWAsPKl-KuWN{margin:0 auto}